It is funny to keep diagnosing my own emotion… and I concluded that it is okay to have “Anger”. I realized that “Anger” isn’t 100% accurate – the word to describe my emotion seems not to exist in English, and therefore it was difficult for me to explain. It is “悔しい – Kuyashi” – it is what I feel toward the Sashiko introduced in English.
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In possible translation, “悔しい” may be translated to “Frustrating”, “Upset”, “Regretful”, “Mortifying”, or even “Annoying”. Each word has some aspect of “悔しい”, but they do not fully explain the feeling I have. Anger is close, but not the exact same. The feeling requires more explanation of the word. In this context, “悔しい” is the “Anger to myself who doesn’t have enough power to protect something precious in Sadness. Sad Anger to own for being powerless”.
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This may be different from the definition of Anger in English. It is toward myself for being so powerless. I wish I could introduce more Japanese Sashiko Artisans in Japan, yet I have (almost) no power to do so. It requires a lot of “steps”. I wish I could support small suppliers more in Japan, yet I don’t have funds for that. One of the big reasons for me to feel powerless is the “Language” and “Cultural Difference” (I have to explain the Japanese Culture in English in introducing Sashiko). Therefore, I feel it is unfair, yet I do not know how to “change” it while the others are changing what we cherish for. Anger toward myself with a nuance of Sadness – and I am pretty sure I am not the only one who feel like this about their culture (and anything they wish to protect).
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4年間抱え続けてきた言葉にならなかった感情。なぜか今朝、ふと、それって「悔しさ」なんじゃないと思うに至りました。英語でずーっと思考を重ねていたから思いつかなかったのか、はたまた向き合うことから逃げていたのか。結局の所、私は今の英語圏の刺し子の流れを良しとすることが悔しいんだろうと。怒りとか苛立ちとかより、悔しさという言葉が一番腑に落ちています。そんなことも含めて、本日9月1日の夜の日本語の刺し子配信を聞いて頂けると嬉しいです。「悔しさ」についての詳細はもちろんのこと、なぜ悔しいのかも含めて今の私の刺し子への思いを流れとしてご理解頂ける回になったのではと思っています。配信を御覧下さった皆様、配信中にコメントを下さった方々に感謝です。
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「悔しい」とは、つまり私自身はまだまだ前を向いているのです。どこまで形にできるかわかりませんが、願いと祈り、両方をしっかり残せるように頑張ろうと思います。
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